To Weep or Not to Weep

So the story is very ugly. I'm talking beauty and the beast, gargoyle...Freddy Kruger nightmare ugly. I don't even know where to begin. But now that I have your attention. I got some things to say. I just can't find the words. This is one of those "About the Author" articles. I'm trying to keep it tame, I would hate to piss any one off but man, I'm in a real indesrcibable zone right now. So I'm just going to spill my guts, if you can relate koo'! Perhaps the end will have some meaningful positive spin or a message you can pull from and find strength in. Perhaps it won't. See today is a freestyle and if you've followed the blog, I know you've read a couple of those random entries. Got to the end with question marks on your face, head cocked to the side, like wtf is she talkin bout???...Today just may be one of the posts. I'm going thru some things, :::rolls eyes::: aren't we all. And I am learning life long lessons, daily. This year has been phenom when it comes to work, success, career and all dat jazz. Ask me something, anything about work or my careers and I can talk your head off, seriously. I love what I do. What can I say, other than I'm blessed :::winks @ my guardian angel::: So back to the minute things, that will eventually not matter....eventually, hopefully. Shiitttttt, I'm pretty sure when I'm hella paid it won't matter. I feel with all the crumbling pieces raining on me :::skips over puddles so not to damage the stilettos:::...whose going let me stand under than umbrella ella ella a a? See I got my own but it just flipped up and then it was struck by lightening so yeahhh....I'm fittin to get a new asap. Soon as I get paid. I can get it off lay away. But seriously tho'. Who? Who can I run to? (member Excape, they were so hot back in the day) All, OK, not all; MOST of the people I have grown to love and cherish I am finding are not sooo.....lovable. To be tactful. The ones I thought were my "friends" are not. I know this happens all the time but it's real shocking when it's happening to you. Have you ever felt like you wanted to cry but said screw it bc, who are going to cry to? I have stopped dating and having sex. And I feel fabulous. Sure there are a couple of men I wouldn't settling with, but I'm not exactly going to tell them that. I don't chase...my one will find me in his own...diff blog diff day...ANYWAYYYY. I can't believe how much it's working for me. I was a lil sketable about it at first, but I have done this in the past and it's refreshing. Seriously. So anyway, I say that bc it comes back to bite me in ass when something really good or really bad happens and I have no one to share it with. No one to say, damn girl you're really doing thing of it's ok darling don't worry about. Basically no one to reaffirm what I already know. And everyone like a cheerleader. I can't pick up the phone and whine to anybody. I can't curl up in the arms of anybody. No one to shhhhh and pat my head, rub my back when I am sobbing uncontrollably, with snot dripping and makeup smearing and hair all sweat ed out. You know a real good, cleansing, kinda cry?!! So I don't. I don't sob, I don't weep, I don't cry. I simply take it all in. I like to think, I'll cry when it's over. Soon as figure all this out, sort thru everything, once I can relax,then I can cry about all the pain I endured to get there. By then the hurt wont be the same and the release probably won't be as satisfying but who knows. I've never been here before so I can't even begin to predict the end. So with every infliction, I kinda bullet proof my soul. I'm going numb. I mean bc what else is a woman to do? Every tear that falls would cloud my vision. Every minute left wondering what to do next is a minute that could be used implementing a solution. It's energy management. It's funny, this whole writing thing is getting me some pretty good exposure (in my eyes) and the more people it's exposed to, the more opinions I receive. I welcome them all because there is always room for improvement. Always room for growth. But man, some of them trying change the kid. They want to label your girl. It tickles me for real, bc they just don't understand, I am without labels and definitions. It is what is. I got some amazing opportunities to do some pretty amazing things...*sings* so take meeeeeee, as i ammmmmmm. Or have nothingggggggg at all. My girl Mary, hit it on the nail with that one. I am who I am and who I desire to be is who just who I am. I have dinner with politicians, I attend award ceremonies and go on business trips, meet celebs and network like there is no tomorrow. I wear crazy colors on my nails and toes and they never ever ever match. I were provocative clothing when I want to be provocative and business attire when I rep my inner corporate goddess. I wear my mini skirts and short shorts with four inch heels and cute accessories. I can be a prude, a bitch, a mentor, a lover, a fighter, a diva, an empress, a scholar. I pray all day er'yday and attend church regularly. There is so much to me, folx can't figure me out. Stop trying, I switch the style so much, you'll make youself dizzy trying to keep up. I can't apologize for being comfortable in my own skin. I am not in need to be understood, so why are so many trying to understand. Don't. Just appreciate it for what is. Walking poetry, art in the flesh. Black magic that you can see, taste, and feel. So my faith is still strong. I feel God can get me thru anything. And if I believe in that so, why on earth do I ever get so sad? Lonely? If I know it will all be taken of, then why do I even think of doing the unthinkables? Why do I worry, why do I even think about crying? When I know the outcome: success, love, prosperity, family (of my own making), good health, joy, etc. I know what I want and I know if I believe; I can do anything. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and blah blah blah but dayyyuuum, even superwoman had superman. Eleanor had Teddy, Beyonce got JayZ. Ya feel me? When the family is not one by any definition, when the friends are not so friendly...there is no one but God and self, self and GOD. SO with that...idk. I could talk to him all day, shoot I already do. He prolly get tired of me, like dagggg gurl, I gotta listen to other people prayer's too ya know :) *humor, insert giggle here* It's hard trying to deal with it all and still keep it under wraps. Nobody wants everybody in their business, so not only I am going thru it. I look good doing it. My work hasn't suffered nor has my appearance. What has suffered is my sanity...y'all going make me lose my mind up in here, up in here. & Im not even joking. It's so on. I mean I got no time to be weak. I got no time to worry, worry is counterproductive. I have met some pretty koo' people who really get me and have my best interest at heart. It amazes me, the connection I have with strangers, versus blood relatives and so-called friends. It's amazing how cruel & unkind people can be. It's even more amazing how I know for a fact that in these trying times, HE ain't just testing me, He is testing all those around me. I want to give a quick shot out to all those who listened, read and genuinely cared but couldn't do anything. I know where your heart is at. F u ( I will not apologize) to all those who don't care and or just won't do anything. But I pray for you too. I hope that God floods your heart with the love and compassion you will need...bc trust you're gonna need it. Karma's a beyoooooootch and man when it comes back 3 fold...I'll be somewhere changing clothes, brushing the dirt off my shoulders. OK, readers, I think that's it for today. You know this lil blog, is making some big moves. It's has become not just my blog, but kinda like my journal...not as personal, but it's close.

Untouchable

He was the reason I started & deleted this several times before. He was the peek, that left me wanting more. He made me cry in diff languages, je t'adore, je t'adore. He was the moon & I was ocean. Addicted 2 his pull. For him I was greedy & took n mre, well beyond full. The man that from which I am made. He is my king & I his queen. He is the words to the rhyme I cannot write. He's the future for which I fight. He is my secret crush, my favorite fantacy. He is the aching in my belly...the music that dances me. He is the reason I blush. He was patience. For him I am rushed. My heart screams for him. My lips will remain hushed. I confess w/ the pen. What couldve been, but will never be. I'll never have the guts to tell, how when he contacts me, my spirit swells. So big n my chest. Knowing its impossible, I'm still w/o rest. Knowing the possibilities, if he would just love me, endless. Boundless, lacking limits. Absent of labels & definitions. The 1 2 have me singing Here I Stand11. & 9 on CM. N his mind stuck 4, 7, 9, 13 & 16 on behind the melody. He's the epidemy, outline, the prototype. He's imagination gone wild, extra spicy. The whipped cream on top, sprinkles & a cherry. He's unatainable; he's so scared of me. He doesn't get it & dats so sexy ? All I desire, but can't figure me. Like the lotus flower, the peddles are 2 many. Relax & center, take it all in. Breathe. Tasting energy, even tho we've nvr kissed. Can't believe the truth, its 2 much like a dream. Your favorite memory, the most beautiful dream?!?!? I'm workin on waitin, amongst so many other things. & I'm fittin to chill right here til his voice sings. Til his hands produce the ring,& build the house. I'm holding out for the real deal. Something beyond playing house. I've been a bad girl, but that's ok. I'm good where it counts, so let the music play. Dance with me, come sit down. Let's four play in our throne, i'll keep on the crown. Worth waitin 4, my prince to come. He'll rescue me from my tower, we'll ride off in the setting sun.

Just My Thoughts

Corporate superhero in pinstripes & glossy lips. Flatscreen computer, palm centro on the hip. Don't take offense, to the minnie skirt & 4 inch speghetti straps. The style is untamed but I keep faith on cock...i stay strapped. One in the chamber. Mistake me 4 anything less than divine & ill set the strts on fire.But the aura so pure, there's no mistakin this. Don't let the pink toes & blue nails fool u. Unveil the essence of, inhale the cool. Catch a wiff of the innocence & a glimpse of the glow. U was stung by a phoenix, act like u aint know. Got more colors than a butterfly, stand by for the tranformation. Check ur local station. It may not be televised but the broadcast will be streamed live...& in color on a the wings of a gaurdian angel near u. Walking poetry, walking closely 2 the most high. Raise ur glass n toast position, tap n 2 the space between your pituitary & your 3rd eye. Converse w/ philosphers, dinner w acient teachers. Oh, 2 many colors, please refer 2 ur professor. Dealin w/ an unconventional professional. & yeah I hit the clubs but its n foreign lands w/ royals from foreign lands. I break bread with leaders of lands & write naughty romance articles w these soft pudgy hands. Sitting n lotus, standing in tree. To warrior one, hold...breathe. No longer runnin, fears all gone. Embrace challenge.The top so lonely, but still I put on. When it goes from bad 2 worse, it is there I find the will 2 keep going. Don't let the short curls confuse u as if a grl u dealin w. Im a lady on a mission...sent 2 conquer the world. A jewel that rivals diamonds & pearls. Got my life in car, no address 2 my name. Walking closely 2 the supreme being, ill let u pick the name. Eternal flame. Ive fought the battles, waged the war.Will reign forever, even after the morning star. When its all said & done. I'll b from the meek 2 the mighty, the soilder that leads them. Life is so short, this shower will only last a 2nd...thanks 2 everyone who let me stand under their umbrella...Im off to go get it...be back in a minute.

And his name was...

She didn't know his name but I don't know his face. I only know the song his words so magically paint. The crave he creates. Its a wave, its a rush. It's taboo, its so funny, its uncanny, it's hushed. It's inconvenient, couldn't come at worste time. Its soooo unreal, he's always on my mind & its blowing my mind. I await the next email, suspended in time. I am w/o reason, he is w/o cause. We are but fall blossoms, flaws & all. The ember from a candlelight, the mistress of the flame. The empress named phoenix. The color of the change. The hue of blowing leaves...the peace after the storm. Mysteries to life she brings. On the dust of a star or the essence of a breeze. The lullaby of humming birds, a sliding strum upon guitar strings. She didn't know his name & I don't know his face. I only knw the strength of his words & the power he makes me taste. I am blessed to feel the ways. All the madness wiped out as I'm caressed from the page. Tickle me senseless, sprinkled with some surprisingly shocking good encouragement...now these are the variables that make up the magic formula. I'm spellbound, under new management. I'm lost in the words, its a thrilling mystery. Something about the way his imagination moves me. His passion erupts with such that I am touched from the inside out. Deep down to the core, deep down where it counts. I don't know what it means, nor am I trying to figure it out. I await the next message. Time carves me hollow, a shell of the light that beams. When I glow as Inbox(1) appears on my screen.

Hey Stranger

Hey stranger walking by. Just got a glimpse, but you caught my eye. I was wondering if you were free. To have a word or two over a cup of tea. See I don't usually do this, as foolish as it sounds. But you're in my neck in the woods, pardon me as I let my hair down. & take off cool. I'm stripin down 2 the real...hope that doesn't scare u. Hey stranger, I know nuttin bout. I'm an ok dancer & like to sing real loud. I'm clumsy & I snore & I sing off key. I'm into yoga, yeah I know I that look...i could bet dough on what you're imagining. Hey mister, read your profile & I wonder if its all true...hey stranger, how are things? I want 2 learn mre about u. Hey stranger, future friend, maybe even a lover-to-be. Hey stranger, I'm not easily impressed, but you have me intrigued. We've sat at this traffic light @ the same time for years...i whisper the nick name I gave u & in my mind you appear. Hey stranger, we've exchanged a few messages & I crave the sound of your voice. I yearn to grasp the hands that type those marvelous words. Hey stranger, I want 2 meet u, but I'm not so sure. Hey there u, w/ views that mirror mine...i await your next message, & gasp @ the subject line. Hey stranger seems like an eternity since we've crossed paths. Im dying for a fresh cup of tea, shall we share laughs? Hey mr...i know not much but the way your aura speaks to me, I hunger for your touch. Your conversation reaches a depth, I loose my breath. When u walk by & don't even notice...i still pick up your scent. When u hit from thousands of miles away, I nearly leap out my skin @ the thought of the day. When I can finally meet u, lay eyes & fingers on. Rub noses & breathe energy into the one I've been dreamin of. Drink of, you & your essence. I am the illusion, dare you go beyond the surface? The depths of I can be a mighty battle to conquer. But to victor go the spoils, so come, let's play happily ever after. Sweet stranger, I know not you but caught in the rapture. I'd like to see your silly side & taste a lil bit of your laughter.

Hopeless Romantic

Sitting here in the hair salon gettin bombed out by my gurlz. Laughin so bad my cheeks are red & hurt. They're pickin w/ me about my bad choice in men. My past is littered w/ 1 abusive relationship after another. One psycho stalker after another. Basically, beat me, lie 2 me, cheat on me, talk 2 me any kinda way & then when I leave them, they stalk me.Its cool tho. I'm betta now & fully understand the reasons why I chose who I did. I was broken & attracted broken individuals. W/o saving myself always savin them. Never thought 2 help myself. Even when it was all about me, I would find the success overwhelmingly lonely & allow the 1st lame to swoop n & fuck it all up. But like I said, I have recognized the error of my ways & live comfortably now in my own skin, w/ my own voice. At the end of the day, I am me, as I am, flaws & all & I say this bc even w/ all I've been thru...i am still not in search of the "one" or the perfect man. I'm not even dating or havin casual sex. Nor do I agree w/ a magic formula, time allotted plan for everlasting love. People feel 1 must b super successful, career in tact, & blah blah THEN think about fallin in love. Even then its be friends for a loonnnnng time, commit, then wait even more time for sex, then live happily ever after. Bullshit. Sure its great for those who feel that falling in love can be solved by way of adding & subtracting certain variables. I still believe in love at first sight, still believe in soulmates. Still believe love conquers all. My gurls have placed themselves in charge of screening all potential suitors. I honestly laugh @ this histerically. I know now how 2 spot a man, not by society's definition but by how I define myself as a woman. I know fo sure @ this stage in the game, a man would go bananas tryin to figure me out. I know there's 2 much of me 4 a man 2 handle. I will not apologize for that. I am who God intended. I wonder, if I'm the last of my kind. Did He really break the mold when he created me in His image? I say that bc, I feel like no other.

What's Your Passion

Do u ever find yourself pondering the purpose of ur existence? Well I was like that up until this year. I had no clue as 2 what my purpose n life was. I had no idea who I was. I knew what I liked 2 do. I knew my interests and I knew my goals. What I didn't know was how to marry the two. Fortunately my passions led me down the path towards my destiny. I have been blessed, more times than I can count. My joys, my interests paved the way 2 my success. I have experienced things beyond my wildest dreams. A few dreams even came true:) I get 2 travel, meet celebraties (uh uh, no name droppin' here), write, create, meet new people, explore & be the business woman I have always aspired 2 b. Because I work in my fields of interest, I get 2 dive head 1st n 2 pools of all types information. Information that benefits my personal growth & well being; not 2 mention its fun for me. I love 2 learn, I love life, I love love; I love nature, I love 2 help people, I love 2 heal (of course, since there's tonssss of Native American blood running thru me) & I love 2 write, I love art & I love music. I am lucky 2 have 2 careers that award me oppotunities 2 dabble n all of that. It took me a while 2 figure it out & I'm still working on the specifics...right now I'm in the begining stages. Wow & thank God is all I can say at times. It feels surreal. It's beyond words. Dear readers, I want everyone 2 share n my joy. Are u doin what u love? Is ur line of work enriching & fulfilling beyond measure? Even if your journey is just starting, do you feel like your steps are guided n the direction U want? Find ur passion then ur purpose, find your core & what pleases u. Look inside self & see what comes up. Pray on it. Meditate on it. Sit & ponder about it over tea. Once you unviel it, b open 2 where it may take u. Begin looking 4 ways 2 incoporate n2 your everyday. I took the road less traveled. I took a chance. I stepped outside the familiar & stumbled across the a whole new world. Are u ready 2 ask the question & are you ready 4 the answer?