Cleaning House

This year has been(pauses to take a deep breath and sigh) a challenge. So much has changed(duhhh!!)and I have grown so much.(to state the obvious) I have traveled to places I never thought I'd see. (all glory be to GOD) Done things I said I would never do.(I laugh at that statement because it covers some good things like eating raw food, to dating outside my race to some naughty things that I will have to save for another blog...:::giggles to myself:::) I have been grateful for friends and family and have watched them both come and go (my besties) and come and go (the fake ones) and come and go again(my besties and my family are my besties and my family for a reason, God picks the players, I have learned how to stay in the game). I have broken up with a physco and found a way to forgive him. (Thanks grandma and my bestie JR) I have found out some truths about my already so troubled past, but I too forgave them. (Again that's a whole nother blog, but let's just say that...if Jesus can forgive me for all my wrongs, then who am I to not forgive others...forgive them for they know not what they do) I have learned to practice patience and forgiveness, with a balance. Not at the expense of my own sanity. (Thanks to my bestie Tiara, she is so protective of me bc she knows I'll kill myself trying to rationalize others wrongdoins even if those wrongs are extremely detrimental to me...JR is pretty protective of me in that way too. Im always looking out for others and how others may feel...I'd kill myself trying to do what I think is the "right" thing...)I have been rude, vulgar (ok so one example: spilling drinks in the club from the vip balcony on the people below and lookin down at those who weren't in VIP like euuughghg what...don't stand so close them. Back up to where the rest of the lames are...total bitch shit like that), and I have been humbled and embarrassed(in so many ways). This year has caused to me let go of so much (pain and hopes in things that I knew would never be. Like, I liked this guy and I thought if I liked him hard enough he would want me in return. I thought if I was patient or easy or didn't bother him or left him alone that he would eventually miss me and come around. I thought if I was good enough and showed him how good I could be, he would come around eventually and want me back...God showed me that while I was chasing this man, I was missing out on a blessing.) I have let go (pain, men, resentment towards family members and abusive and suffering from my past), rebuilt (created emotional balance within self), fell off(got laid off) and got back up to do it all over again(in love for the first time, aggressively looking for work in something that caters to my passions...my artsy side). I have sold my soul to selflessness (I praise HIM in ALL that I do, even when I do wrong) and now, I am creating again, balance (I am in love with a man for the first time in my life and I know he loves me back, but I won't lose myself in him, GOD is still my number man. & since my man is a prayer warrior like myself, this union is a blessed one even if doesn't adhere to normal labels or traditions. With my faith forever bound in the Lord, I got a feeling my lover and I will be just fine). I will give my all and then more (Im a workaholic, type a kinda chick, perseverance is in my blood) but now I save a lil piece for me(I have been through so much and no matter success or fortune, in the end it's just me and GOD, so I can't get so caught up and not work out, or meditate or take my baths and read my books, I have to have pleasure, joy, good times; can't be all work and no play). I have went back to school and got sucked up into my studies. I have stayed ahead and done more than that is required. However, I must remember to not get consumed in one thing. I thought my job, my position, my salary, my benefits, my perks defined me. (Shame because we are not what we accomplish, but what drives us. I am not 38k a year, I am an artist who makes 38k a year...or at least I was but asked me who I was and I would tell you 38k a year, who did this and did that and is involved in this and trying to do that...as opposed to what I really am, a woman, goddess, artist, child of GOD. No, I wouldn't say that. I would rattle off that I do this and I do that and I do this and I do that...shame bc if you take all that away, that does mean now bc I don't have it, I am nothing and I should cease to exist? "I think, therefore I am"-Einstein) I knew who I was (really had no clue) and couldn't anyone tell me otherwise. I have learned that I have changed so much that the person I thought I was is no where near as great as I could be. Can be, will be. See I was sure and so confident, not cocky, boastful, or bragging. But if anyone asked, best believe I had a answer 23 chapters long. Funny cause as much I thought, I appreciated the simple things. I really didn't. It's not until one peals back the surface and looks beneath it all. It's not until one is stripped down to nothing but the bare. Left naked and exposed. Not until we are left with nothing but the simple things can one really appreciate it. Now I grew up not having much and was always striving so hard to get it that I didn't realize that there is so much more to life than $$$$$. (I love love but it always came second) Money, riches, wealth...it's all so overrated. (all the money and success in the world ain't shit without, love, health, family, and some belief in a higher power) If you aren't right with self, if you aren't in tuned with your God, if you are careful with every breath you take, it could very well be your last. Surely we are to succeed and be determined and dedicated to reaching our goals but no so much that we lose focus of what's really important(honesty, loyalty, friends {family/good health} and then wealth.But I can't tell you what that is.) It differs from person to person. What I can tell you is to live life by doing what makes you happy. Pay attention to your inner calling, your true self and breathe air into what you makes you smile. There is no one path, there is no one way. (See I just knew you were supposed to grind and grind and grind and work yourself tired and senseless, then make a decimal worth of time for fun and then take even a fraction less than that of what ever is left for love...such a silly silly girl) It's all about you (& whatever it is that brings you personal joy, growth and satisfaction) and again, the God you serve. What is life really about? No one knows for sure. Remember to keep you head up and eyes open (especially that third eye). Listen with your heart(love comes first...there is no greater gift than love, Christ like love first and foremost, the love from your fam is second, the love from your true friends is undying and forgiving and will mirror the love of Christ and your family and the fourth runner up but still the greatest love of all in my book is the love two strangers can create and build upon bc that is a gift from the Almighty, all powerful, all knowing...it is a love that some may never know, it's my first go at it...so stay tuned) and be wise in your choices (your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions and actions become your habits. Now even if your habits are mishaps and are not what defines you, they will be the scale to which others judge you....DON'T EVER WORRY ABOUT HOW OTHERS JUDGE YOU...make your decisions based on what you can live with, what you can deal with, what you can sleep with at night and what will allow you to still look at yourself in the mirror...what your God can forgive your for) Worry not so much about the stumbles that may throw you off your axis, mere tests of time. (He will give no more than you can bear) Keep growing, keep going, keep glowin. Like the phoenix lil miss lyric phoenix is in the process of a re birthing. (I thank God for those that will be there will the flames die and the new butterfly emerges.)