N as few wrds as possible

From the beginning, there's been the illuminating of smething further. Light just shined brighter. Within her. Born all knowing. Just a tad bit beyond, comprehensible. The unyielding glowing, was breathtaking. Beyond sensible. Superseding spectacular, simply more. W/ that came the profound. A quiet disturbance, of the comforting type. Ripe. Fresh. The softest. Flesh. Press. Play, skip, rewind. Random. Percussion, Erupted anew. A tazo chai n the frame of a floor 2 ceiling window. Splendid. Rather, spectacular. Chaos-tastic rambling.That rumbled on w such force.The ultimate purpose. Left, quite often, a tad misunderstood. A smudge on a heel. A bottomless pocket book. Shhhhh. But its no secret. Run dat back, likes its scratched. I said,Shh... But it's no secret. Even if they dnt get it. The very lack of, defy-nition. The very intricate line of play & discipline. A harmony of lyric pleasure. A distinguished being of noble character. The innocence of enraptured loyalty. Caught n the example of, not the reality. & I'm just goin on & on. Like the beat. The dream, the in-the-flesh fantasy. Not n the practice of settling. Battling 2 greater than words. Further. & so in as few as possible. The butterfly is once again changing colors. Stand back as I spread my wings. I'm on 2 the next chapter (press pause) & you're not coming. Now dnt take offense, the empress. Just simply must. Make room 4 peace.I'm a tad 2 much, so much. MORE. Beyond this realm, I soar. I am more. & that just ain't enough. I'm built 2 last, this southern girl is tough. So as the story unfolds, b4 I go. I just had 2 get dat out...n as lil wrds as possible. Drop the mike, I mean the pen, *stumble* i mean damn the phone. Blink, poof. Door closes. Lights out, I'm gone. & dnt get it twisted...dis aint about a man. However if the color fits, then paint. Rather all about me & I'm sayin: what others cant. I can do anything. Farewell pain. Farewell can't. Nicknamed sunshine, I'm always there, no matter how much it rains....The butterfly changes its colors once again.

The Allure

Of Breaking the law. It's all 2 much 4 me 2 eva ignore. I say a Jig verse I'm only jiggin up my brotha. My mentor. My inspiration. My fellow sag. I'm bloggin from the bar. Bitch I'm bad. Bitch peep the swag. Dnt nothin but white wine or white liquor made from grapes; grace my glass. I'm young. I'm bad. I'm hot. U mad. Dnt laugh. I curse, dnt gasp. Dnt front or fake. U wanna b me. Dats y u hate. But u can't. Get on my level. U goin need a space shuttle. Or a ladder that's 4 eva. Pls 4give her. I mean. 4 give me. If I borrow from the greats its cuz they r like me. Young Hov. Tupac. Andre 3 & weezy f baby. 2 middle names, no hyphen...pls say the baby. I'm not a baby. I'm grown fuckin woman. A queen. A lady. the g stands 4 gangsta goddess.Wont get far tryin 2 play me. Football on my screen. Or UFC. Ima beast n da bedroom. A diva n da streets. I'm a princess by day. All hail which that is she. Flyer than I will never be. The 9th wonder of the world. Stand back & believe. I defy gravity. I am everythng they r not. I'm blue flame,white hot. I'm moving mountains. I'll c u @ the top. I'm lookin dwn frm the top. I rockin sweats & stilletos. What ya knw bout dat? Pencil skirts w matchin dubbie wraps. & my Obama button. U dnt agree w the scribes, then lame y u reading. Y u breathin? Y u speakin if u aint talkin bout nothin. How u goin stand 4 anything if u dnt blieve n nothin. U fakin & u frontin. I put on like a remix w Jamie Fox or R kelly. I came from the beast, from the depths of its belly. I'm a success driven bastard, $ get n ny belly. I like it hot & sweaty. But u'll never get a drop. I thought I told u I'm on a mission and bitch! we dnt stop. I'm tryin 2 c Diddy & Russell Simmons bread. I'm tryin 2 capture their hearts & fuck w they head. Ima b puttin it dwn til the day I'm dead. I said. Bitch! Ima b puttin it dwn til the day I'm dead. The world is my runway. This life is a stage. Ima exit stage left. I'm 2 far ova ur head. I'm thorough bred. I like milk n my tea & n my bath.Aint a thang that I wnt that I cnt have.

So with that...

A poetic intervention helped me calm dwn a bit & realize....it's not them its me. I wnt soooo much. I make it virtually impossible 4 a man 2 b able 2 do & b all those wonderful adjectives & verbs I can concoct n my mind. I mean I'm a writer 4 cryin out loud. I have 1 heck of an imagination. There's *no way* a man can be intelligent w stimulating conversation. No way a man can be funny, witty, understanding, manish & a great listener. & n2 fashion just enough 2b like no homo about it!! ya dig?! See, already I'm askin 4 2 much. & dnt even think of adding goal oriented & spiritually intuned 2 the mix. Let alone tryin throw n sme knowledge about politics & federal affairs. Nooooo uhm uhm. He can't be handsome, faithful & good n bed. Plus n2 pda & spontaneity. (4gve me. y'all knw I cnt spell). 4get suckin toes & pullin hair. Truth &&&& dare. Ima go ahead & leave out him diggin art & havin similar taste n music. Of course he shouldn't knw all the words 2 ur Beyonce cd unless u happen 2 listen 2 her dat much & he tolerates bc he's just that n2 u. Yeah, I guess I could go on for days about the ideal man who doesn't want 2 date u & others. Just u. Doesn't want 2 just b a "fuck buddy" bc he places so much value on ur womanhood than just that. Nooooo. Uhm mmm. No way a man can b all dat & mre. I mean seriously, come on...that's like impossible? Totally just unrealistic...can u feel the sarcasm or am I that bad of a writer? They say the good guys finish last. Well 2 all the good guys. I say, hello. That's all. Just shoutin y'all out. Cuz as a good girl. 1 of the real good ones. I understand. R time will cme. It may seem like every1 else got what we want. But what we wnt is smething greater than eva. Its hard 2 find what ur lookin 4 when its never been dne. When its bigger than hip hop, when u stay woke n the serach smething new. U cant describe it bc ur heart's desire is beyond compare. Dat wreckless love, dat each day gets betta. Greater.Than anythng that came b4 it. The norm cnt wrap their brains around it. But I get it.

On a sweeter note

A guy I once knew said a lot of the wrng things. However 2 thngs he said that couldn't b mre true: Women thnk they can do anything but wnt a man 2 do everything. *Not everything, but ur close. The other was people say they wnt this & that but aint ready when they get it. Now I couldn't agree mre....Miss Independent walked around w her head hi. Eyez on the prise. She was a goddess n her effin mind. Dats right. Lil lady, queen 2 b. Held it dwn like no other & did so eloquently. Delectable. Extra spicy. Extra special. But she wanted nothing mre than 2 b normal. A reason 2 put on a nice dress & giggle. She did it 4 herself day n & day out. But she was scared her sexy wld run out & he wldnt find her n time. She knw what life was really about, a focused mind. But still smething missing. Success dnt cme w hugs & kissin. No amount of degrees or hobbies, material things. That won't replace a warm touch or two that drum as 1beat. No amount of tough or make up. There is no shoe collection, greater than human affection. Safe is great & the top is grand. Look at all ur accomplishments, then look @ ur left hand. Look over n the morning & find just the grind. The hustle, the goals, the ego. Look inside, where's the eros? If u took off ur cool. If u fell in love 1000 times...does that make u a fool? Miss priss, sashayed 2 & fro conquering 1 dream after the next. Miss diva, goddess in her own right, was purpose driven & blessed. A woman of distinction, above & beyond. A caged bird, this her song, & this is why she sings. She wants 2 soar the sky, w a noble lover @ her wings. @ her every whim. Guilty as charged. Craved the sin. Oh holier than thou, avert not. Bare witness please. Pay homage 2 the desire, respect what I mean. Its not the lust but the trust. Its not his penis but his mind & let's hope good sex is part of the package. Oooopppsss my bad, a lady aint s'posed 2 say that. The $ u can keep. u can spoil me 4 free. Its ur mind, love & friendship I want. Sex, love & encouragement. Teach me smething & I school u back.

Out of the Ordinary

I am not writing this one for it to be all politcally correct or poetry inclined. Im spittin just to spit. For real. Like Im not understanding why the "good girls" are single. Like why dudes, don't want to treat a girl to a nice meal and a great time. Key word is "treat." Like does that not happen anymore or am I going out with the wrong dudes? Somehow we have gotten so far removed from a natural order. Yet I am all for shaking things up a bit, I am a stickler for tradition. Sure break the mold, try something new. Trade places and all that jazz. I love taking, ok maybe not love it. But I don't mind taking a man out and showing him a good time. If I could plan or day or an evening, it would be out of this world. I would show him a side of me and a side of our city he could never imagine. Speaking from experience. Im not the average woman, so I enjoy doing some not-so-average things. I am also one for opportunity. Say I had planned for us to go bar hoppin at some undgerground low key places and in the midst noticed a party bus. Let's get on the bus. We came here for lunch but there are boats nearby...let's get on a boat. We're at musuem downtown for an exhibit premiere and notice a poetry slam...let's go listen to some spoken word. We're walking down the street and tattoos are 75% off...new tatt anyone? See what Im saying. Fun, spontaniety. I have actually been everything a woman can be to man except a wife. I have been the one to get them more intuned to God. I have, printed out college apps, got trade school info, filled out job apps and redone resumes and cover letters. I have treated many a man to movies, drinks, dinner, etc. I've bagged up and made sells. I've been the connect and I've made the connect between the dealer and the connect. I've gotten then in shape. Helped them find the joy in working out and being healthy. I've lowered blood pressure and been a therapist, healer, teacher, mentor. I've been a manager of a staff over 200. I've been to college. Didn't finish, but started. I have been the bread winner. The ONLY one workin. I have been the sexual temptress and pulled out every trick of the trade, every porn star move and I keep lingerie on deck. Trinkets, toys, pornos, lubes, oils, whatever. I have been mother to many a kids that weren't mine. Been to court with the baby mamma and even pleaded with cops and lawyeres. I shied away from "ballers" bc I figure we (my man and I) can come up together. I've witnessed gold digging in action and that have never been my m.o. Im just not built that way. No one has ever helped me get anything. Everything I own, I earned on my own. Aint' a thing in my possesion that I didn't work for for myself. So my question is this. Hard working, smart, single. What???? Im confused. Of all the things I have to been to these underserving men. (didn't know they were underserving at the time) Who is going to be the same for me in return. Can I get spoiled like in the love songs and videos and don't be all turned off by statment. It's just a metaphor. Men have grown lazy trying to blame neo soul and r&b, even some rap for painting this fantacy version of love. My thing is, it can happen. No you probably can't take me shoppin in Milan. But if you know my style, you can pick up something from Urban Outfitters or Victoria's Secret...everyone has a clearance rack so don't even go there. No you can't take me to the most expensice restaurant in town, but you can take me some where I've never been or someplace that you will know will make me smile. No you probably can't buy me a car but you can put gas in mine. And then what is these dudes not being sensitive or too sensitive? Happy medium...oh where are youuuu??? Look, ladies want a man. Not a thug, not a sissy. Don't be actin all tough like a machine. Don't be cold and insensitive. You can't demand I tell you something or do something, bc guess what: this aint on demand!!!...Be gentle. In your words, actions, looks, feedback, opinions. What's with all the sterotypes and judgment? All women this, you women that. I don't wanna hear that shit. Ima need you come and come correct. Don't put me in a box, bc I am everything those lames ass bitches was not. Im a not a hoodrat bc my parents couldn't work things out. I am not less of a woman bc Im not daddy's little girl. I had a string of bad dudes, in my past. And I treat dudes on a case by case basis...new one has nothing to do with the past ones *period* That doesn't meant I don't know how to spot, recognize and it damn sure does not mean I don't know to treat a good man, if and when God sends one my way. If anything, everything I not, made me everything I am. And I will be much more apprecitative of a good man when I get my hands on him. I didn't grow up in a an ideal family setting, but I do know the right way to be a loving wife and wonderful mother. See it's not always what you have or have had that teaches you things. There are no limits on what you can learn if you are receptive to elevating yourself to a higher place. You see what Im saying. There are ways for people to bring the dream to life. You can't affortd Tiffany's but come on...forever 21 makes cute accesories. Sure you men dealing high class dimes who are accumstomed to a certain standard might have to consider a swankier, fancier approach. But my thing is this, you know who dealing with on some level. Im waiting for someone to get on mine. Meet me where I am. You know what I like so provide. Bc trust, w/o doubt if I know what you like and I can claim you as mine...then what you want is provided before you can even ask. That's just how I roll. You wit me, you want for nothing...bc I will your everything and more *period* You know Im a writer you can buy me a journal. Ya dig. You know the kind of music I like, buy me some cd's. You like the Giants...Im sporting a giants thong, giants halter, and making football food in a cheerleading skirt. I mean. Im not high maitenence. I just know what I like. I had to put this out there bc Im a lil frustrated. Im not that hard to please...or maybe I am. IDK. I just know what I like and what I want and had to express it. I know Im not alone.

& dats just what came out when I sat down

The cricketts chirp & other than that, its a pretty quiet court. Long from the bz street I knew & I damn sure miss the view. From my window. I tip toe. back, from the ledge. Still peeking over the edge. The voices n my head. Are n constant battle. Peep the lyrics, check the babble. Dig it. As I spit it. & b glad that I did it. Rose above the depths. Climbed up out the briar patch & marsh pits. I was not daddy little's girl, I had a hustler's spirit. Now its all unfolding. I know its hard to follow, but try to keep up with the story I'm telling. All the bullish I conquered made an extraordinary woman. Saying a mouthful but u still aint hearing nothin. I'm trying 2 keep a clean mouth, clear head, no datin & or fuckin. I'm tryin be about something, fuck doin it 4 nothin. Stop smoking, stop drinkin. Stop cusin. I'm on a mission. & between these sentences rests the answer. I'm cleansing. Detoxing. Praying on repeat at the start of every hour. This marks the begining of an error. I am the power. That breeds change. I am the butterfly. Stand breathless as I spread my wings. Honor, respect, loyalty, these are a few of my favorite things. And even if u dnt recognize or understand what I mean. I'm destined for greatness, who wants to come with me? I'm on dat midnight train. I'm still healing from the pain. But after every storm, I knw i'll see dat rainbow again. Searching for smething new is never ez to find. I gotta stay focused. No reniggin this time. Continue to push thru, continue to create. I, master of my destiny, kneel to the creator of my fate. I walk & stumble. Forever falling further in faith. Beneath the street lights. One young starvin artist. I'm writing for my life. All glory be to the Ritcheous. The road less traveled requires a fresh paving. Make your own footprints. What's deserved, I'm taking. I'm claiming. Speakin it over self. For all who feel weak, look up for help. Look in the mirror, then check text. Go to your bibles. Feel it in ur chest. Do all that you can, to God leave the rest.

.............

So far behind n the chapter. Raphael Saadiq, live @ the house of blues. Pen aint got no inc. Scatch the paper 1....scratch the paper 2. Dats my mic check, I'm on like run dmc. Dare u 2 run w me & the big daddy kane. Krs 1.one two. one two. I knw just who I am, can't say same 4 u. Lady in wait 4 he who........He who follows the texts, the scrolls. He who keeps up with the changes of her moods. He who understands her moves, who can dance 2 her groove. He who plays her favorite tune. Hums it n it her ear & makes her giggle. Understands her livin n the gray area w/ sprinkles. Her who leaks what her mind speaks on the sheets, of the table table in her mind. He made it a hot line. She made it a hot poem. Strums her like a guitar. Only he can play the right notes. Woman was made from man's rib. His side. Next 2 his heart. 2 be his equal. Under his arm to be proteceted. I prob missed a line or 2, true 2 hear her song. Doesn't interrupt her flow. 1 cnt even begin 2 knw. The beats, the notes. Drip from the core of the soul. The belly of the beast, from the bottom of the bottoms. C u @ the top from the bottom. Dnt worry, the good life aint far. Best believe I'ma grab it. Gotta have it & then home retreat. Tearing dwn corporat america, then home 2 b humble & sweet. A monster n the streets. A loving wife & mother behind closed doors. Til he rescues me, I'ma put on. Earned my place @ the throne. Next 2 my king. 4 the fruits of r labor,. 4 the future. Offspring. I gets it n now 4 self bc u still searchin. Ima keep my vicky secrets collection. goin. & u keep on & keepin on. Once u got her b sure 2 keep ur a game tight. Keep surprising her w bubble baths & bedtime story scenes. Do all that & more, na' mean?! Pamper her beyond the bed. Massages w no sex. Be spontaneous. Both man & woman need 2 forever try. Knw what they like & always produce. Be forever ginuine, b 4ever true. Keep eacother most high. Be bout self when its necessary but be dnt be scared 2 take a chance. Be more than a woman, only for more than a man.

What's wrong?

What's wrong w pure fantacy? When will we return 2 the divine innocence of sheer wonderment? Who will be the 1st 2 surrender 2 the imagination? Why is it always later, be patient... & never now? Acceptance will happen, but I'm not sure how. As we grow older we learn, fact vs fiction. Reality from fantacy & make blieve. We learn there's no tooth fairy, easter bunny, santa clause, & sme grw 2 thnk there's no cupid. (coughs a *bullshit*) Like love @ 1st site or happily ever after died along w/ chivalry & hip hop. Damn that! I refuse 2 accept such truths::rolls eyes & shoos hand::: The seperation tween "make believe" & reality is made clear by what can & can't be brought 2 life. Should 1 b inspired 2 do a great deed then it can be dne. I dnt thnk its fair 4 guys 2 want an independent professional bossy sexy woman, but not 2 treat her 2 smething so simple as a nice meal, maybe a glass of wine over sme candles & jazz. Oh nah, dats trickin ur bread! *sucks teeth* Chillax I dnt ur $ I wnt 2 play u a sng. Quote lyrics & laugh @ what we have n common. Listen 2 sme cater 3 & common. Wht hapnd? 2 boi meets girl. Boi jumps thru hoops 2 swoon, his muse? Boi marries girl. Girl & boi bcme man wife & child? All this equal rights & indpndnt bizz dne got u brothas confused*slams fist* Thinkin a commitment is an inconvenience! Bitter or just lazy & makin excuses? Hello.While im untuckin my Rhianna & Beyoce, b sure 2 peep my Lyfe & Badu. I mean its 50/50 4real. Like the beast n the boardroom cnt b an empress n the bedroom. Guys nowasays dnt seem 2 recognize. All scorned & wounded. I say 2 er'ybody whose had their heart broken get over it! & 4 those of who didn't know or 4got or whatever, intimacy is still kickin & screamin. Uhmmm hm. Seen it just the other day. Women dnt wnt a ring after the 1st date or 2. Hell no! but aint wrong nothin wrong w/ a love jones. Who made all these rules? Who went out & set the standards 4 love? When did u have 2 have a liscence/permit 2 fall? A probation period? Damn when did we deter frm the dream?

if & when I die

If I die 2nite b4 I wake. Know that uve changed my life n so many ways. The magig wand that is the pen. That leak on the table of mind. it b hard 2 write shit cuz I dnt be havin time. So if I go, be sure 2 let em knw. B sure 2 remember. She like long bubble baths & starin @ the stars. She was passion walking. a dreamer. B sure 2 recall the power that's the phoenix. An ever burning ember. She was an angelic sinner, there was none finner. If I die 2nite. B4 my time. Be sure 2 bury me w/ music playin n my ears. Scatter my ashes 2 the wind or burn them as inscence. Tell them she was a warrior & she was glorious. Remember she was a teacher, a leader & a healer. She had powers people couldn't undertand. She had a light illuminated from inside out. She wasn't scared 2 tell u what she was about. @ her memorial, b there singin, dancin, praisin. Get ur party on. @the end take deep a breath, chant a long om. Neo soul, gogo, rap, hip hop, rock & roll, bluegrass, country, classic, jazz, swith the playlist up & let run from start to end. If I die tmrw. Know that I had fun. I died a winner. I'm on 2 greener pastures. No longer shall I suffer. Struggle. Hustle & Grind 4 just anthr dollar. Know I'm kickin it w/ acient, kings, myths, & philosophers. Scholars, fathers, my sister, his brother, all the aborted babies, all the lost souls of cousins & all the grandmothers. If I die sooner than later, remember her laughter. Remember her love of nature. Remember her scribes & her addiction 2 music. Remember her sign & how it represented fire. Remember how that business she help start set the streets on fire. Remember how she had spirit. She had soul. She had that lil something extra, dat bounce. Dat glow. Remember how she was shy & yet untamed. She was holy, but insane. Remember she performed well under pressure, by any means neccesary. She showed & prove. She was wordly, womanly & girly, so hot. She was cool. She defied all others & made her own rules. If I die, b4 I wake. I pray the all mighty, my soul 2 take.