To Weep or Not to Weep

So the story is very ugly. I'm talking beauty and the beast, gargoyle...Freddy Kruger nightmare ugly. I don't even know where to begin. But now that I have your attention. I got some things to say. I just can't find the words. This is one of those "About the Author" articles. I'm trying to keep it tame, I would hate to piss any one off but man, I'm in a real indesrcibable zone right now. So I'm just going to spill my guts, if you can relate koo'! Perhaps the end will have some meaningful positive spin or a message you can pull from and find strength in. Perhaps it won't. See today is a freestyle and if you've followed the blog, I know you've read a couple of those random entries. Got to the end with question marks on your face, head cocked to the side, like wtf is she talkin bout???...Today just may be one of the posts. I'm going thru some things, :::rolls eyes::: aren't we all. And I am learning life long lessons, daily. This year has been phenom when it comes to work, success, career and all dat jazz. Ask me something, anything about work or my careers and I can talk your head off, seriously. I love what I do. What can I say, other than I'm blessed :::winks @ my guardian angel::: So back to the minute things, that will eventually not matter....eventually, hopefully. Shiitttttt, I'm pretty sure when I'm hella paid it won't matter. I feel with all the crumbling pieces raining on me :::skips over puddles so not to damage the stilettos:::...whose going let me stand under than umbrella ella ella a a? See I got my own but it just flipped up and then it was struck by lightening so yeahhh....I'm fittin to get a new asap. Soon as I get paid. I can get it off lay away. But seriously tho'. Who? Who can I run to? (member Excape, they were so hot back in the day) All, OK, not all; MOST of the people I have grown to love and cherish I am finding are not sooo.....lovable. To be tactful. The ones I thought were my "friends" are not. I know this happens all the time but it's real shocking when it's happening to you. Have you ever felt like you wanted to cry but said screw it bc, who are going to cry to? I have stopped dating and having sex. And I feel fabulous. Sure there are a couple of men I wouldn't settling with, but I'm not exactly going to tell them that. I don't chase...my one will find me in his own...diff blog diff day...ANYWAYYYY. I can't believe how much it's working for me. I was a lil sketable about it at first, but I have done this in the past and it's refreshing. Seriously. So anyway, I say that bc it comes back to bite me in ass when something really good or really bad happens and I have no one to share it with. No one to say, damn girl you're really doing thing of it's ok darling don't worry about. Basically no one to reaffirm what I already know. And everyone like a cheerleader. I can't pick up the phone and whine to anybody. I can't curl up in the arms of anybody. No one to shhhhh and pat my head, rub my back when I am sobbing uncontrollably, with snot dripping and makeup smearing and hair all sweat ed out. You know a real good, cleansing, kinda cry?!! So I don't. I don't sob, I don't weep, I don't cry. I simply take it all in. I like to think, I'll cry when it's over. Soon as figure all this out, sort thru everything, once I can relax,then I can cry about all the pain I endured to get there. By then the hurt wont be the same and the release probably won't be as satisfying but who knows. I've never been here before so I can't even begin to predict the end. So with every infliction, I kinda bullet proof my soul. I'm going numb. I mean bc what else is a woman to do? Every tear that falls would cloud my vision. Every minute left wondering what to do next is a minute that could be used implementing a solution. It's energy management. It's funny, this whole writing thing is getting me some pretty good exposure (in my eyes) and the more people it's exposed to, the more opinions I receive. I welcome them all because there is always room for improvement. Always room for growth. But man, some of them trying change the kid. They want to label your girl. It tickles me for real, bc they just don't understand, I am without labels and definitions. It is what is. I got some amazing opportunities to do some pretty amazing things...*sings* so take meeeeeee, as i ammmmmmm. Or have nothingggggggg at all. My girl Mary, hit it on the nail with that one. I am who I am and who I desire to be is who just who I am. I have dinner with politicians, I attend award ceremonies and go on business trips, meet celebs and network like there is no tomorrow. I wear crazy colors on my nails and toes and they never ever ever match. I were provocative clothing when I want to be provocative and business attire when I rep my inner corporate goddess. I wear my mini skirts and short shorts with four inch heels and cute accessories. I can be a prude, a bitch, a mentor, a lover, a fighter, a diva, an empress, a scholar. I pray all day er'yday and attend church regularly. There is so much to me, folx can't figure me out. Stop trying, I switch the style so much, you'll make youself dizzy trying to keep up. I can't apologize for being comfortable in my own skin. I am not in need to be understood, so why are so many trying to understand. Don't. Just appreciate it for what is. Walking poetry, art in the flesh. Black magic that you can see, taste, and feel. So my faith is still strong. I feel God can get me thru anything. And if I believe in that so, why on earth do I ever get so sad? Lonely? If I know it will all be taken of, then why do I even think of doing the unthinkables? Why do I worry, why do I even think about crying? When I know the outcome: success, love, prosperity, family (of my own making), good health, joy, etc. I know what I want and I know if I believe; I can do anything. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and blah blah blah but dayyyuuum, even superwoman had superman. Eleanor had Teddy, Beyonce got JayZ. Ya feel me? When the family is not one by any definition, when the friends are not so friendly...there is no one but God and self, self and GOD. SO with that...idk. I could talk to him all day, shoot I already do. He prolly get tired of me, like dagggg gurl, I gotta listen to other people prayer's too ya know :) *humor, insert giggle here* It's hard trying to deal with it all and still keep it under wraps. Nobody wants everybody in their business, so not only I am going thru it. I look good doing it. My work hasn't suffered nor has my appearance. What has suffered is my sanity...y'all going make me lose my mind up in here, up in here. & Im not even joking. It's so on. I mean I got no time to be weak. I got no time to worry, worry is counterproductive. I have met some pretty koo' people who really get me and have my best interest at heart. It amazes me, the connection I have with strangers, versus blood relatives and so-called friends. It's amazing how cruel & unkind people can be. It's even more amazing how I know for a fact that in these trying times, HE ain't just testing me, He is testing all those around me. I want to give a quick shot out to all those who listened, read and genuinely cared but couldn't do anything. I know where your heart is at. F u ( I will not apologize) to all those who don't care and or just won't do anything. But I pray for you too. I hope that God floods your heart with the love and compassion you will need...bc trust you're gonna need it. Karma's a beyoooooootch and man when it comes back 3 fold...I'll be somewhere changing clothes, brushing the dirt off my shoulders. OK, readers, I think that's it for today. You know this lil blog, is making some big moves. It's has become not just my blog, but kinda like my journal...not as personal, but it's close.